Monday, May 2, 2016

I guess I'm finally posting on this blog again because I have a lot to say about absolutely nothing again. I mean my posts in the past are painful to read considering I grow as a person every day, and my insecurities drive me to write shitty happenings on my life almost always. But right now I just feel so disappointed in myself. I feel like a useless human being. I don't contribute to my academic career at all, like ever, just because the entire idea of it, is driving me mad. I'm so behind on a lot of school work but I see no point in doing it. It seems all like busy work to me. I go to school almost every day, and skip almost every other, but the fact that I can at all fathom waking up in the morning to go through forced interactions, adds more dread to my already mundane life.

I mean, I guess, I wouldn't call it completely mundane. I actually wouldn't call it that at all. Lots of things are happening in my life now, and it makes it harder for me to hang out with people I don't have much of a connection with in the first place. I've already lost one friend, and for a good reason, I mean to me. I just don't care enough to spend time with people that don't drive my life like others do. I'm not going to sit around someone else's house for an entire evening just to withhold the friendship, and keep it safe. I literally do not have the energy and it's been a recent realization that everyone is really selfish, just as selfish as I am. 

But, while talking to someone, who's name will go unmentioned, they made me realize that I do have a true potential. They made me realize that I don't have to be on meds to be happy, I just have to be surrounded by people that will push me to do the best in my life. And I know my friends aren't leaving but god damn, I don't have to spend all my time with them. I really don't. I need to remind myself that one evening is not going to define an entire relationship (Though, I'd be lying to myself if I didn't say that was possible). 

In other news, this unnamed person I speak of has been making my life feel so incredibly weird. It's really hard to decipher my feelings for this guy because they are so strong in all the weirdest ways. He's also old enough to be my dad, but being with him makes me feel appreciated, and content. Though the whole situation is a lot more fucked up than necessary. I wonder if the day comes where we actually go beyond heavy petting will change my mind about him. But it's not just the sex I feel that keeps me going with him but rather when we touch I am filled with an immense amount of appreciation and, almost love, for this person. I'm not saying I'm in love, god no, but he feels special, too special. I'm afraid to get used but at the same time it's the only thing I want when I'm being careless. I really can't explain the immense feeling I get being around this person. God knows that I never expected us to happen, I never expect anyone to "happen" with me. Last year, losing my virginity to Khalil was completely unexpected but I wanted us to flourish so badly, I wanted him, to want me, so badly. But god he was young, stupid, naive. Khalil was the kind of human being who would come across as open minded but god damn he's not. He can barely handle any emotion that doesn't pertain to himself. I've never met someone so self absorbed and so guilty at the same time. I told him that things between us were fine, because they are I guess, but my sadness has now shifted to a newfound hate for every happy moment he lives. 

It's not like I don't miss that part of my life. It was fulfilling and I loved being in his arms but not as much as the guy I'm, seeing?... now... I can only have deep feelings for those who are more structured than me. I can only have deep feeling for those who think I'm a dream, and are extremely hard to navigate a real relationship with. I strive off of unconventionality, yet it is also something that has me suffering deeply in my worst moments. 

And I hate sudden realizations. I always seem to have them. The entire thought process goes like this: Oh you know, that, that could definitely be a possibility, oh damn. Damn it's real, I'm living it, and it could possibly be true. Fuck, holy fuck it's true. I better get off the bus soon, I'm going to pretend I never made that realization myself. I feel poisoned. I need water.