Sunday, September 29, 2013

     Lately I've been feeling really good and happy. I painted and did not completely hate it but it's better than totally loathing myself and not making any art whatsoever. My weekend was pretty chill for the most part and I went down to a festival and was checking out some cool local science. The view was window desktop background worthy.

     I was in a bad mood on Saturday. Visiting the fair made it better. After we had got back I suggested making some gingerbread cookies and got overly excited.There was pumpkin scented candles throughout the house. The leaves have been changing already too. Because of school all I've been really getting of pre-fall is the harsh coldness in the morning. Sadly as a freshman in high school, there is no recess. You get cooped up in a giant building all day.

     School has been getting me down.I had said to myself that if I don't have any friends in at least 3 weeks that I would kill myself. (not really, and I have made friends, I guess) Once I think I have a hold of someone, they slip through the cracks of my fingers. Or just ignore me completely. Which I found really bothersome until I saw a picture of me that someone else had took. I had a goofy smile on and my head looked huge compared to my body. Everything was wrong. This has made me not take myself so seriously. At the same time I feel kind of tugged back and forth between these two feelings of confidence and insecurity. Boys acknowledge me, I've gotten a couple compliments too. One guy constantly asks to hang out after school. I just find it hard to believe they don't have some kind of evil motive. Do they find it funny to bother me? Do they say I look good to fool me? I've never had any positive feedback about myself ever. It was always directed towards someone else.

     That's not what I want though. I want a friend, that's a girl. One whom has the same humor as me and is interested in art. There is one too, but I just feel like maybe I'm not good enough for her and that's why she hasn't talked to me since last week. Everyone is too good for me. I'm too good for everyone.