Monday, October 26, 2015

my friends ex bf just dropped her computer off at my house and im sad for her now , most definitely. Probably because I experienced something similar, except i wasn't broken up with. I actually lost my virginity to someone who didn't love me, but i guess that's better than having them fall out of love with you after having sex. all in all, it still hurts. Actually one of the last things he said to me was that he was thinking about asking me out, even though we'd been on dates before. He moved on within a week, and then eventually to his current girlfriend, whom i see almost every day, and i wonder if she knows anything about me. 

I start my first day of training for work tomorrow evening. right now, i'm flooded with work. I met with a teacher to discuss some homework i wasn't understanding and ended up getting home around 4;30 and waiting an hour for my friends ex boyfriend to drop off her belongings. Today was difficult also because I had to deal with child services and talk to them about the "sexual assault" i experienced. 

The entire time I wanted to cry. The world is unfair to me in the stupidest ways. I'd talked to my therapist, and several friends on the subject because it had gotten blown out of proportion, and people eventually found out. I never told the person who called the police on it for me about it though. The subject never came up, I think because she felt she had done enough, and ultimately damaged my mom and her's dynamic in the process. 

They sat me down next to my guidance counselor and a couple social workers, one who specialized in the homicides and assaults of younger people, the other just was your typical social worker who was checking in to see if you were unsafe, or whatever. I wanted out very desperately. Once they asked about the specifics, I couldn't believe that I felt myself tearing up. I'm assuming it was the feelings of frustration I had about my own personal experience being blown up enough for my guidance counselor to know. I guess it made sense because when the cop was standing in my room, I laid on my bed and I told them to leave me the fuck alone because I "just wanted to die". Everyone in unison told me not to say that kind of thing, that's how you got stuck in their records. Now that they knew you were troubled, you were going to be subjected to even more questioning. By everyone, I meant my cult of friends that had ended up sitting around on my bed and,,, basically coddling me. 

Thinking back to that makes my heart kind of sink. My friends had seen me at my worse then. All but a couple of course. I'm glad those few didn't because it had come to a point where my life was just one tragic event after another. Life continues to be just that. It's always something. This week I feel like I'm losing one friend, doubting another, and being insecure about the rest. Halloween is approaching, I'm so excited, but also truly sad. I want it to be good only because holidays are one of the few things I have to look forward to. I also am only alive because of my loved ones, but right now everything I live for is shaky, and I'm on the verge of crying almost always.