Saturday, October 24, 2015

October 24th 2015 10:01 am

I woke up this morning feeling virtually nothing, Which is frustrating in many ways as I'm surrounded by my own filth. Last night I had a friend come over unexpectedly and I'm pretty sure I bummed her out with my behavior, as inconsistent as it is. She was being extremely self centered I was left having my post stressed and depressed friday after a long week that seemed more than endless. At one point she even mentioned a girl I would rather not want to talk about. I wondered if she did it to hurt me. Afterwards I laid down on my floor in the living room, she asked me if I was okay, as if her sensitive topic had issued me to be even more depressed feeling than before.

Continuing, I invited her to go with me to a Rocky Horror Picture showing down at our local theatre. She didn't even respond when I mentioned it, and by that point, I just wanted to be alone. Any effort wanting to be made was already crushed into dust. My mouth was dry, I was hungry, I was longing. Our attempt at decorating my living room for halloween failed miserably. All she did was look in the mirror... All I wanted was to feel like this month was for me. But even the halloween music couldn't bring my spirits up. I was weighed down. I was a lot of things.

This morning just felt like one big headache. Everything in my life is the same again. There's wondering in whether or not I should even try today. I thought, if I were to be in a relationship now, it would fail. I can't see myself in one. I'm more unlovable than most. Truly, unlovable. Even typing this, I find it to be pointless. There's too much going on in my head. I want to shut my life down and be content. It's really hard to be content.